Marriage, as they say is our last chance at growing up. It’s the punctuation mark as far as being ‘complete’ goes. People, parents especially tend to take you more seriously once you get married. They understand that you are now responsible over someone else and others to come later on.
I have met men who shy away or even shun the whole idea of marriage away. Some of them cite freedom as a reason for not getting hitched. To them, living the carefree life of a bachelor is true freedom. Like they can just run wild with no one putting a leash on their necks in a bid to tame them. Marriage according to them is a prison…..
No more weekend outs with the gang to watch soccer.
No more travelling with your buddies during holidays to ‘happen’ in faraway towns away from familiar judgemental eyes.
Dropping in home past midnight, wasted beyong repair; not even sure how you got home with your car minus its front bumper!
Well, one thing is for sure, you will have to do away with most of these stuff coz marriage requires you to be a different person, it kind of tames you in a way- a very good way.
Am not certain am speaking for all men here but there are certain things that are bound to happen to every married man.
1. Snuggling in bed: Brothers, this is a prerequisite in a marriage situation. No more sprawling on the bed as if you are sun basking in the beach. Your wife will require you to hold her all night long. This way, they say, it’s much easier to fall asleep. It gives them some serene kind of satisfaction to fall asleep in your muscular arms. I think it makes them feel like a bar of gold in Fort Knox.
This is how it is done, am pretty sure all married men know the drill. She lies down, probably facing the wall, you put one arm under her and the other on top and you cuddle her. Like a teddy bear. A very big teddy bear with hair flying everywhere.
NB: in the African setting, a man is supposed to sleep on the side that is closest to the door, such that if something was to happen, it’s his ass that gets nipped first!
Then you fall asleep. Or rather she falls asleep.
Here is the downside; if she has long hair, trust me it will be all over your face. It can actually get into your nostrils and suffocate you for real!
You end up getting a terribly numb hand, like you can no longer feel it. All there is a million pins where your hand is supposed to be.
My advice, wait till she falls asleep and slowly pull out your arm. Turn slowly, very slowly to the other side and sleep.
Woe to you if she is the kind that senses things even in her sleep. The moment you turn she will either pull back your arm to hold her or she will turn and snuggle on your back, breathing on your neck.
This can be a good thing, very romantic even, provided she does not snore. A snoring woman on your neck kind of feels like you are sleeping in a tuk tuk!
2. Alejandro la vida: Women are really into these Mexican and Philipino soaps which tend to have the same story line every other time.
I mean, they all have a hairy guy called Alejandro, a blonde chic who cries a dozen rivers after she gets cheated on by some other hairy guy and a father who owns a bunch of horses. And all houses are always along the beach, like they wake to the sounds of the Ocean and eish.
Men hate these things. We are creatures who are engineered to love stuff that does not involve tears and too much lovey dovey stuff.
Any man who finds himself with an inclination to soap opears should see a psychiatrist, for real, am not kidding. They are not made for men, no they are not!
Once you marry, believe you me you will find yourself at a crossroads when it’s Alejandro-beefy chest-long hair time. I mean, you want to relax and watch CNN, or whales mating on Nat Geo wild, and she insists on watching Alejandro. She even wears that woiyee face and you just have to give up the remote.
What do you do in this situation? Well, you could probably get a book or do stuff on your laptop. Or go to the balcony and watch the starry night as the moon ducks between families of sheep like clouds.
Good move, right? Wrong bro, wrong move. She will accuse you of not wanting to spend time with her and anything you say in your defence will be used against you some day, they never forget, they are like elephants!
She on the other hand will also not appreciate most of the things you watch. Like the other day am trying to watch Press Pass on NTV, topic was freedom of speech and she asks me what benefit am deriving from it. I say am a blogger, it touches on me too. She remained adamant that there is absolutely no benefit derived from such. I knew best not to argue, take my cue!
3. Fashion guru: when you are single you can wear anything you want as long as it goes with the occasion.
When she comes around, your wardrobe for one will undergo a metamorphosis. She will arrange the entire place such that you will need Google Maps to find your socks and boxers. It’s like she shuffles the entire thing like a pack of cards and you can longer tell which is which.
She will choose the clothes for you. Yes, you are convinced that you look good in a particular shirt, pant and belt that match your brown shoes. She will tell you that you are wrong and you have no sense of colour (she could be right baethewei).
And you will wear what she suggests. Good thing about this is that you will not even care what people think of the choice, as long as she is happy with it, you are….automatically…anything less that acceptance will be misconstrued as a bridge of contract……
4. Honey, what do you want for dinner?: yes, we all want to be asked what we want for dinner coz it makes us feel like Kings.
This sweetened question normally comes just when you are about to close for the day and head home. You swing on your chair, tapping your tummy, prodding it to cooperate with your mind in choosing what you want to partake for dinner.
You think of what you always crave: rice with coconut milk, Macaroni and cheese, chapos and beef stew (anytime, every time!!), chicken Biryani……the list of your cravings is long but you have to narrow down on one.
You sigh deeply and go with the first choice…it is rejected, reason? No time to prepare the coconut milk.
Second choice…rejected too…..she hates cheese!
Third choice, shelved temporarily….she has that planned for the weekend. She however does not say which weekend!
Fourth choice, hell no……..no time!
And you find that inasmuch as you crave for more, they just might be rejected……so you do the next best thing….
“What would you like US to have for dinner, darling?”
“Oh, i was thinking we can just have French fries. Si you will pass by Nakumatt on your way, we are out of Ketchup….bye hunny bunny, love you, mwaaaaah!”
And you also say ‘mwaaaah’. Do you know how ridiculous a man looks when he says this?
Ha, bro, say good bye to healthy living!
All in all, getting married is the best thing a man can do coz the drama a wife brings your way is the best, unedited, unrehearsed, uncut entertainment you will ever have…….
Love your woman for who she is. Don’t force change on her. Remember, she was made from a curved rib; you bend it too much it breaks!